OMG

Typically, I'm not really one for all of those abbreviated "in" sayings, but this post?  I couldn't think of another title that would do it justice.  It really is unbelievable....

So, it has become tradition in our house - we pick a night that we are going to decorate the tree, we put Christmas music on, light a fire and cook a nice dinner (typically, prime rib).  It has always been a really nice way to decorate the tree as a family.  So, we decide that we are going to do this last weekend:

1.  Given that I had just had surgery and was hobbling around on crutches, I was not able to do my annual job of putting on the lights.  Not only that, but Josh insisted on using white lights, as he informed me that only certain groups of people ( I won't go into details, but they were not kind descriptions) use colored lights.  Too bad we were that family growing up - what does that say about us?  I am sticking with the theory that it is a location thing because, I swear - every family in the Midwest uses colored lights.  ANYWAY - point being, first of all, I had to just sit back and watch as Josh put the lights on (COMPLETELY differently than I would have) and second of all, because he wanted white - we didn't have enough lights (because I have always insisted on colored in the past and as a result, we have plenty of those!), so we were able to put only two strands on the tree.  Because we had already decided that this would be the weekend to decorate, I went along with it and started to put ornaments on the tree (which is quite difficult on crutches, mind you) and then realized that it was really going to be annoying when we got more lights because most of the ornaments would most likely be in the way and would fall and break, etc.  So, we stopped.  The tree was 1/4 of the way decorated.  Disregard the fact that the kids were clearly not interested in having their picture taken...

2.  We haven't gotten around to getting actual firewood yet, so Josh is using pieces of wood that are left over from building the house, which happen to be rather long and they are really strong, so Josh can't break them and of course, we don't have a saw, so they remain long.  Well, Josh goes to put them in the fire and he puts A TON of them in there and lights it.  So, I comment on how big the fire is and then notice that it is so big that it is actually COMING OUT OF THE FIREPLACE.  Flames are literally shooting straight up to the point where we have to remove the stockings and I'm watching the garland on the top of the mantle certain that it will go up in flames any second.  The house then proceeds to completely fill with smoke, the smoke alarms go off, the kids are freaking, Deacon is freaking, Josh is running around the house opening every door and window in an attempt to air it out and me?  I'm sitting on the couch with both kids on my lap practically crying and not able to do a thing  because of my flippin' foot. So, the fire calms down, the alarms go off and the kids stop freaking - just in time for us to notice that the entire piece of blue stone surrounding the fire is BLACK  - in addition, the bottom of my white mantel? BLACK.  Luckily, it ended up just being soot and Josh was able to scrub it off.  Clearly, watching your house nearly burn down was not a prime opportunity for a picture, so this is the only one that I have, which happens to be one that Avery took, but it is evidence of the wood being used.  Alex is apparently smarter than all of us and was attempting to express his concern over the amount and length of wood being used...

3.  Because we were so focused on our house practically burning down, the meat was overcooked.  Not TOO bad, but definitely more medium. And, I'm a medium rare girl and I REALLY enjoy prime rib, so I was  bit bummed about that.

4.  After dinner, Alex decides that he needs to go to the bathroom on the potty.  So, he does and afterwards, is running around without a diaper on.  Oh - and, somewhere along the lines, he lost a sock too.  So, no diaper, one sock and a shirt.  Well, we're in the family room and I tell him that he needs to remember that he doesn't have a diaper on, so if he needs to go to the bathroom, he needs to to to the potty.  At which point, he looks at me with wide eyes and says, "Me poopin!"  So, of course, I scream, "Run! Run!  Get into the bathroom!!!  Josh!!! Meet him in the bathroom!  He's poopin!"  So, the poor kid starts booking it to the bathroom - I can still picture it perfectly in my mind - this little naked boy with just a shirt and one sock on sprinting down the hallway.....with.....a piece of poop hanging out of his butt.  And, before he makes it to the bathroom?  With a piece of poop FALLING OUT OF HIS BUTT ONTO MY WOOD FLOORS (don't worry - I don't have a picture of this event). Awesome.  So, now I'm sitting on the couch, psyching myself up to hobbling over on crutches and cleaning up the poop.  Oh - but, don't you worry...this wasn't necessary. Why????

5.  Deacon came around the corner and ATE THE POOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY DOG ATE HUMAN FECES - RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.  I nearly threw up.  It was the grossest thing I've ever seen.

6. And, if all of this wasn't enough?  I went to get Alex out of his crib the following morning?  The night before (aka, the OMG night)?  I had just completely forgotten to put a diaper on him!  So, needless to say, he and his entire crib were both soaked in the morning.  I mean, what mother just forgets to put a diaper on her kid before bedtime? 

Apparently one whose tree isn't decorated, prime rib is over cooked, whose house nearly burns down and whose dog eats kids' poop. That's who...