For Sale!

What:  One three-year-old boy

Special Features:  Does not take any effort on the owner's behalf to cause boy to have a meltdown.  Cut his chicken the wrong way?  Meltdown.  Give him milk that isn't hot enough (even though if you make it any hotter, it will burn his mouth)?  Meltdown.  Fluff the pillow the wrong way?  Meltdown.  Put the wrong episode of Bob the Builder on TV?  Meltdown.  Don't let him sit on the couch with a sopping wet diaper (yes, he still wears these to bed at night)?  Meltdown.  Put the wrong pajamas on him at night?  Meltdown. 

Extra Bonus Features:  Meltdowns?  They can last anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours. 

Return policy:  May only be returned if meltdowns described above have not occurred within 2 weeks prior to return. 

Price: FREE!

Customer Reviews:

ANH from LC says:

"Overall, a good boy but can be really annoying and loud sometimes."

JRH from LC says:

"Boy is great at sports and fun to hang out with most of the time.  However, there are times when I want to ring his neck and I wonder what happened to the original boy we owned?"

WEH from LC says:

"Boy is very sweet sometimes.  However, there are other times when I'm pretty certain no one on the planet could cause me to be more frustrated and generally want to run away and hide until the boy is out of the terrible 3 stage."


Caution:  May result in strangulation (of both owner and product) if meltdowns continue.

Guess who's potty trained????

Yep - that's right!  The Big Al Man is potty trained. 

Well....mostly.  I have to say that someone up there likes us.  We have somehow been blessed with two children who, relatively speaking, were pretty easy to potty train.  I mean, Avery was potty trained about 5 seconds after she turned 2 and she did it all pretty much on her own with very minimal accidents.  But, I'll be honest - I was a bit more concerned with Al.  I mean, first of all, he's a boy and I think that we all know that boys are harder to train than girls.  But, also, I mean - he just really didn't seem at all interested.  In fact, the first time that I ever put him in underwear (which was probably about 6 months ago, so yes - early), I remember he peed within 10 mins of wearing them and when I asked him if he peed in his underwear, he just blatantly looked at me and said no - with pee dripping down his leg.  Reason number 1 why he wasn't ready 6 months ago.  Well, about 2 months ago, Daycare informed us that they thought that he was ready for underwear, which was great.  The only problem?  It didn't really fit into my social schedule.  For those of you who have been through this, you know that it is a giant pain in the butt because the days of running errands, going to the playground, going to the beach, basically doing anything where there isn't a toilet within a couple of feet of you? Gone.  For a good couple of days and/or weeks.  And, for those of you who know me or follow this blog, you know that the end of April/all of May were two very social months for us, so I really just didn't have the time to devote to this process.  Until...Memorial Day.  So, we put him in underwear and I did the typical, "Come on Alex, let's go to the potty" routine about once every 10 mins - no joke.  And, he did really well!  But, then the true test - the Memorial Day Parade where he would be in public with lots of distractions.  I have to say - we did well in the beginning.  We went to our local restaurant and used their restroom before the parade and then used the restroom in the community center during the parade.  But,the bouncy house?  That proved to be a bit too much.  The real problem?  He came out having clearly peed his pants and didn't even realize it.  FAIL.  At this point, I decided that we may not yet be ready for this adventure.

But, THEN!  The following weekend?  We went NAKED! Or, Nudies, as Alex likes to call it.  Man - it worked like a charm!  We had no accidents!  It was crazy.  So, from that point on, we have been in underwear and we haven't looked back!  I will say that he is still easily distracted and if there is a lot going on, he will forget to tell us that he has to go.  But, I have to think that is pretty normal at this stage.  Oh - and, one other slight problem.  The naked thing worked really well.  However, the fact that we let him go pee in the yard kind of didn't, as one night, I came home to Josh walking to get the shovel and explaining to me that our son. Yes, our son.  Not our dog.  Had "just taken a dump in the yard."  Apparently, he took the "boys can pee in the woods" thing a bit too literally.  Don't worry - we've nipped that in the bud (or, butt - ha!) and it hasn't happened again.  And, yes - of course, I had to document this by taking a photo (and some of you were even lucky enough to receive the picture via text!), but I will spare you all the details so that we can just focus on the fact that the Holland household is THIS close to being done with diapers forever!  :) 

Boy vs. Girl

The other day as we were driving to school, I experienced a classic conversation between Alex and Avery.  It started with:

Avery - "Mom, I mean, the first person born on this earth couldn't have been BORN because, well, they were the first person, so how did they come to be?"

Mom - "Not sure, Aves"

Avery - "Well, I mean, I know that Adam and Eve were the first ones on earth, so who do you think came after them?"

Mom (still displaying her overwhelming level of knowledge on the topic) - "Not sure, Aves."

Avery - "I know. I think that it was God.  And, then after God, it was Mary.  And, after Mary, it was Jesus and then after Jesus, it was all of God's disciples and then after them, it was all of the priests in the world..."

Mom - "Actually Avery, I know in your eyes, you may think I'm going to hell, but I actually believe in evolution and happen to think that we all came from Apes and not from Adam and Eve."  HA!  Ok - clearly, I didn't say this, but man - I was thinking it. 

In comes Alex...

Alex - "When I'm born, I want to be a fire fighter."

Avery - "Alex, that just doesn't make any sense.  I mean, you are already on this earth, so that means that you were already born."

Silence....silence....silence...

So, I turn around to see what Alex's reaction is going to be and what do I see?  Alex just sitting there with his finger up his nose staring at Avery with this, "Whatever.  I don't know nor do I care what you just said" look on his face.

Classic, I tell you.  Classic. 

Big Al Throws a Fit

What is that book that I'm thinking of?  It is a series of books that all start with the name of a character and then whatever adventure they go on.  Is it Curious George?  I don't know.  Anyway - point being, I'm pretty certain I could start a series on the Big Al. Big Al Goes to the Dentist, Big Al Throws a Fit, Big Al Gets Potty Trained, etc.  That kid is always keeping us on our toes.    And, this one was classic...

I'm not sure what his deal is lately, but damn!  He has had some EPIC MELTDOWNS.  Like, the kind where he kicks and screams and cries and then calls my name, so I go into his room (where he has been put because of said meltdown) and when I go in there, he screams, "NO!" so, I leave and then he screams, "NO!" again because I'm leaving.  And, basically, just says and does the opposite of whatever I do or suggest.  And, I'll be honest - I need some serious help on patience on how to deal with these because they REALLY piss me off.  Especially in the morning when I'm trying to get all of us ready for work or school.  However, that said - every once in a while, there is some comic relief...

This morning, during a meltdown, he was crying so his nose was running.  So, I grab a kleenex and wipe his nose and he looks at me and screams, "I WANT MY BOOGIES BACK!!!!!  I WANT MY BOOGIES BACK!!!!!!"  Now, if that doesn't make the most stressed out of mothers laugh, I'm not sure what does!

 

Big Al Goes to the Dentist

Ok, so this actually happened a couple of months ago (March to be exact), but I never got around to posting it and given that this blog is also intended to be a keepsake for my kids someday (minus some of the MiMi and Girls' weekend posts), I didn't want to miss out on the posting opportunity. 

So....Big Al went to the dentist!  And, I have to say - it went quite well!  For whatever reason, both of my kids have always been really good at both the doctor and the dentist.  I'm not sure why, but we've never had any problems with them throwing a fit or being scared, etc.  But, just to make sure, I decided to take Alex to one of Avery's dentist appointments back in December - just so that he could see how it worked and so that he would know what to expect.  Turns out, that was a good idea.

He got right up in the chair and listened to whatever the dentist told him to do.  He was great!  Granted, it helps that we have a really good dentist who is great with kids (and he had a tv with Dora on it to stare at the entire time).

Two cute/funny things while we were there - the dentist chose a toothbrush bristle (for the toothbrush that they use with that paste-type stuff) that looked like a tiger, so when he asked Alex what it was, Alex said a tiger and the dentist asked him if he liked tigers.  Alex very calmly looked at him and answered, "No."   The dentist got a chuckle out of that and just brushed his teeth with the tiger anyway.  A for effort, doc.    Then, as he was nearly finished brushing, Alex just looked at me and said, "Mama?  When he gonna be done?"  Again, a chuckle from the dentist, but he kept going and Alex let him without a fuss.

After he was all done, he asked Alex to spit in the sink next to him, which Alex was ALL excited to do.  And, apparently, he did quite well, as the dentist was actually quite surprised - who knew that spitting was actually a milestone in a 3 year old's development?  According to the dentist it is and most kids his age can't do it correctly but, given his fabulous spitting performance, Al is now allowed to use the big kid fluoride toothpaste and spit in the sink.

I'll be honest - we haven't gone there yet.  Why?  Because it takes far more effort and time on my part to actually have him stand at the sink, insist on putting the toothpaste on, turning the water on and brushing all by himself only to have me do it all over again after him.  Right now?  I hand him the toothbrush with the fluoride free stuff on it and he takes it - sucks all of the toothpaste off and runs (much to my dismay - yes, I realize this is a major choking hazard) around while I'm still getting ready and until I get a hold of him to finish the actual brushing.  Much faster people, much faster.  Not only that, but while he is good at spitting, I'm not sure he fully grasps the concept of actually needing to do it and not having a choice.  So, until we get to that point, it will be choking hazards and liquid fluoride in milk. 

And, as long as I'm being honest - this toothpaste thing is 3rd on my list of priorities - right behind potty training and binkies (which to give myself SOME credit, are only used at night when he sleeps - I swear!).

Future Blackmail Shots...

I'm telling you, this kid will play with balls ANY chance he gets...

Southern Belles

This last weekend two of my closest college girlfriends, Amy, Christine and I all flew to Richmond, VA to stay with another one of my closest girlfriends, Tracy.  For those of you who know me (and them), you will know that we are all probably the furthest thing from a Southern Belle that you can imagine.   I mean, it figures given that none of us is from the true south and none of us except for Tracy has ever even lived in the true south.  In fact, Amy flew in from Oregon.  I flew in from RI and Christine wins the prize - she flew in from Amsterdam.  Which, I'll be honest - I mean, I obviously know how long the trip was and was thoroughly impressed that she did it just for the weekend, but I didn't REALLY realize it until I woke up this morning at 6 am and realized that I had in fact made it through 2 one hour flights, 1 hour and a half drive and then 8 hours of sleep and yet, at that point?  Christine was JUST LANDING in AMS.  Damn.  Anyway - although none of us are the Southern Belle type, we did a pretty damn good job of fitting into the Richmond scene over the course of 2 1/2 days.  Well, except for the time that....

We pissed off our waiter at the restaurant that we stopped at to have a glass of wine.  We got the "are you ladies going to order any food?" question approximately 10 times until we finally ordered a thing of fries to share.  And, then we got the, "When the hell are you going to leave so that another party who will actually eat and allow for me to earn a living can sit in your seat?" question approximately 5 times.  So, in order to answer his question, we ordered yet a second bottle of wine.  Sorry buddy.  We had some catching up to do.

Then, we went to an outdoor festival that was going on in Richmond, as Tracy had never been, but EVERYONE we saw asked if we were going there, so we figured we'd check it out.  From what I can gather, it consisted of a contest to see how far a dog will jump in the water after a ball (which actually resulted in a poor display of the owners' athleticism, as most of them couldn't throw the bar far enough to allow for the dog to jump far enough to impress anyone) and it also consisted of a mud pit for everyone who just got done with running a 5K to run and slide through so that they were then covered in mud.  Oh - and, really bad wine and really greasy (but great) food.  So, basically, your typical festival.  And, of course, after the 2 bottles of wine discussed above and the one glass of really bad wine, Tracy decided that this family who owned this puppy was neglecting the puppy because the puppy was panting and according to Tracy, he needed water.  I tried to explain that it was pretty hot and even if he had just had water, he would still be panting.  She didn't buy it and insisted on giving the puppy water in her old wine glass - not before asking in a "your abusing your dog" kind of tone - "Don't you think that your puppy may be thirsty?  I think that he really needs some water..." 

That night, we decided to really take the Southern Belle thing to an extreme and dance around in hats.  We thought we were pretty funny...

The next day, we went to brunch at a local breakfast place, which I have to say was DELICIOUS.  Granted, not sure we were welcome guests there either as 1) Amy had a bug fly into her ear and reacted, well....not so Southern Belle'ish which led to the table next to us making a comment that they thought we were drunk (at 11 AM), 2) Christine wasn't feeling well, so just ordered eggs and toast and then got the "why are you so prissy?" look from the waitress - don't you worry.  I stuck up for her and explained the illness to the waitress (who clearly didn't believe me) and 3) Amy apparently "insulted the chef" by ordering biscuits and gravy but with no gravy.  But, whatever.  The food and ambiance was great.  And, everyone appeared to get over the little mishaps along the way.

And, yes - before you say anything - I now know that going out in public with no makeup results in not so great pictures of myself.  Lesson learned.

That day, we spent nearly the ENTIRE afternoon sitting on Tracy's porch talking.  I mean, I should have known that we were capable of talking for 8 hours straight, but damn!  Even I was impressed. 

We did get up for a walk at some point that afternoon and Tracy took us to the place where she and Ryan got married.  Well, there is a running joke that Christine and Tracy are a couple, so in order to continue the joke, they got married to each other in the same spot.  I only include this part because we noticed that the pictures taken really do resemble a groom waiting for his bride who is clearly elated.

 And, here's Amy - clearly thrilled to be the bridesmaid...

After coming back from the walk, we decided to spice things up a bit and move to the front porch to talk for another couple of hours  - this was the classic southern experience - sitting in our rocking chairs, drinking champagne - it was lovely.  This was clearly our chance to fulfill the Southern Belle thing...if only we had showered and had put on makeup on at that point...

 And, Christine decided to swoop in for the picture.  Seriously?  Doesn't it look like she's flying?

That night, we went out on the town.  We first went to a great bar/restaurant with 3 levels of decks over looking the water - it was gorgeous.  Afterwards, we went to a great restaurant that serves fancy southern food.  I had shrimp and grits and they were amazing!  And, THEN - Christine wanted to buy a bottle of champagne, so ordered one and then requested that she receive the bill for it.  Well, when we ask for the bill, the waiter explains to us that apparently one of us ran into a girl in the bathroom and she paid for the $100 bottle for us!  HEH?   Yep.  Amy apparently was talking to a girl in the bathroom and told her that we had all come together for a girls' weekend and she thought that was really cool that 4 friends would do that, so she just bought the wine.  Only in the south - I swear.

Later, we went to a club where they were playing "house music," which I just assumed no one really liked given there were NO LYRICS.  Just the un-tuh-un-tuh beat.  Of course, upon asking the 3 ppl standing in the line for the restroom whether they really liked this music, I got the, "You totally just offended us" look as they explained to me that they love the music and how could I not?  yet again - clearly not the polite Southern Belle move.

The next day, Tracy took us for a drive to see U. of Richmond and drove us by a really cool trail area.  And, after that, we did a little more sitting around and talking and then Christine and I took off for the airport. 

On either side of the visit, we did get to meet Tracy's husband, Ryan, and their adorable son, Weston, for the first time.  I'm so happy that I finally got to meet both of them.  Ryan couldn't be a nicer/funnier guy and Weston couldn't be a cuter child.  I mean, look at those cheeks!!!  A man after my own heart...

Overall, it was a great weekend.  A perfect mix of relaxation, going out, and LOTS of laughing.  I mean, not to toot my own horn here, but damn!  I pick some pretty good friends.  First, there was my weekend with Sara and now yet another weekend where we haven't seen each other in years, yet it feels like just yesterday.  Love you guys and can't wait for the next Girls' Weekend.  Sui Generis...